Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.