Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.