Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*