HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
You Might Also Like
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
A small tragedy.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.