HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
At least try to make it slightly believable
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
me and who
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)