HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
sry
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really