Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
You Might Also Like
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]