Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.