Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I鈥檒l start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
That鈥檚 *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
happy valentine鈥檚 day to me
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Best seat on the street 馃槏
Him: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
#If #I鈥檓 #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I鈥檝e come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.