HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Haha! 😂
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.