HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Why is this me 😫
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.