Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss