HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
scrabbled eggs
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.