I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.