@notfaizzy: ...her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April's fool.
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@JasonLastname: I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
@jessokfine: They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I'd love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
@jwoodham: If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."
@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest] ME: What are you doing? DOC: Echocardiogram ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test