…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers