…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?