No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I am crying
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”