Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.