Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.