Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Found my door mat
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.