Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
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is it earth
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
best review i’ve ever seen
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Twitter is an abusement park.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.