Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!