Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
The honesty is refreshing
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
pictures of spider-man
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
shit just got real
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing