Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
at ease…shoulder.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The Struggle
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something