Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Raisins are grape jerky.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first