Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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My wife gives the best headache.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.