HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
You Might Also Like
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.