Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
What if the weather talks about us?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.