HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Noah was an idiot.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
first you must answer his riddles
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack