Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime