Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory