HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.