Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.