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@UnFitz: Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
@kumailn: "I have a hunch." - Inspector Quasimodo
@JaiyeJones: Here's an olive branch. Please choke on it.
@bighandsmassuer: As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don't fit me very well
@pleatedjeans: [standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
@CakeThrottle: [Interview with a time traveller]
"What's life like in the year 3000?"
It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel