Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.