Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Brands during Pride
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover