I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
every single time
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip