Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?