Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium