Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When ur friends with white people
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”