[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single