her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
This line from Airplane.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Breaking news: