My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks