Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me when i see my girls butt
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated