her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?