Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?