Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
no regrets
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
There is no “we” in pizza
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…