Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The future is now.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.