Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Love is always patient and kind.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance