Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
kitchen magnet
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.