Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car